Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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