last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
