Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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