Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
