Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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