i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
