My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
