All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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