i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
