My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
