We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
