Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
