I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
