cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
