your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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