I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My vagina just recognized that song.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
