and next time when you feel me up, do it right
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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