The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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