Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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