I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
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