You can't motorboat a personality
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
