I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
