Yo dont text me then not text me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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