apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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