so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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