You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
