sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
