I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
