you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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