I could make wine with my vomit
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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