I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
