you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
