sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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