Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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