I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
