oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
