I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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