Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
