i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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