he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
