I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
