why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
