i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
