His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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