Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
