Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
