ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
