I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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