you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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