I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
