The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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